Gird your loins. For she is Anastasia. Anna-satarrr-sha; she says it with a Eurotrash accent. And makes everyone else say it that way too.
She grew up in Double Bay, speaks four languages, plays the cello and piano - childhood lessons - and has never played a game a day in her life. Unless you count achieving as play.
Anna-satarrr-sha is vicious; having fought to the top of her profession.
She has a few skeletons in her closet. Potentially some literal ones.
Anna-satarrr-sha is not to be fucked with. To know her is to fear her. She will eat you alive. Like a tiger with a particularly destructive outlook on the world.
She dresses like a woman. She likes to pegs men. Anna-satarrr-sha runs a conglomerate, closer to a cartel really. She doesn’t go to people. They come to her.
She removes her sunglasses like she is unveiling priceless art.
She is the Jesus of business, an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in Gucci.
She could be made of concrete she is that strong and unflinching.
She will have you executed for a faux pas. But likes to be seen to be ethical.
Dork. Dorko. Dorkzilla. His Royal Dorkness. Dorkus Maximus. Dweeb. Rich.
Erwin is so smart. He invested correctly.
He invested in crypto because it is the ultimate nerdlinger pursuit. And he knows the money will mean he will finally get laid. And save his mum from having to pop his cherry.
He accessorises his Gucci tracksuit with some some kind of slip-on usually worn by a 60-year-old fat man or his Back to the Future II Nikes if it a wedding or a special occasion - and an asthma inhaler and a dirty snot-rag. He also carries around a moustache on his top lip that looks like it should be part of some sort of UN eradication campaign.
In high school he was voted most likely to have an inflatable girlfriend. And he did for a while.
Now he enjoys employing his biggest high school bully as a kind of butler-cum-dogsbody for him.
Revenge through money-fueled power is really the greatest wealth there is.
He has a tech start-up based on an idea you would not understand even if we explained it to you.
But he would love to give you a long, detailed, techo-crushing explanation of it, especially if you are a non-inflatable woman. It is no aphrodisiac.
He comes across as serious, because like many cryptoscrotes, it is like a religion for him, and he is called to be an evangelist.
Erwin tries to be suave. Tries hard. If you know what we mean. He is always trying to sound smooth but comes across as 100 percent Nerdburger.
Although he drives a monster Hummer with a camouflage paint job (because it is a cryptic colouration) he says he is most passionate about the environment.
“If I can save one dolphin my life will have meaning, Because dolphins are the dogs of the sea. But more into fish. Can a dolphin love you? No, but you can make one wet.”
Beautiful on the inside and out, she has never had a worry in the world. Never had a hard day in her life. She’s never broken a nail. She is still a bit ra ra at 35. Glamorous in a non-celebrity way.
And Jessica is rich enough to pay someone to pick her nose. Actually she is rich enough to pay a different person for each nostril.
She is the daughter of a line of wealth. And married into more wealth - rich young things tend to meet each other.
She does not know the price of milk, and doesn't want to know. She drinks rainfed, organic, biodynamic, almond milk by the way.
Jessica has the money and styling sensibilities to cover herself in edgy luxury.
Her choice of clothing. Her choice of everything is perfect.
It is hard to tell what is better manicured, her or her sprawling lawns, which are clipped with shears to prevent greenhouse gas emissions.
Jessica always opens her red lip-sticked mouth wide to speak, with flawless enunciation.
Uh·nuhn·see·ay·shnannunciation. Are Steve Irwin and her actually from the same country?
She is lovely, kind. She cares because she can. And she can because she's rich.
She has time to dedicate to causes. And her caring extends to ethical investing. Especially when it comes to the environment and live animal exports.The last one is particularly important to her. She loves her pet. And she is a vegan. Because how could you not be?
Attentive. He is anal retenive. Peculiar. Precise. Super particular. Super special.
He is in his early 30s, Tomas, is. Tomas really is something. He is beyond his years. He’s just beyond.
Every hair is in its place. They dare not be. Every hair is not quite counted but every hair is definitely accounted for in the athletic.
He is a critic. A commendator. Your personal reviewer. Whether you want it or not.
He critiques his girlfriend. Like it is his profession. One of her eyeliner wings is longer than the other.
And she needs to know. It is about exacting standards. He sees it as a strength. It may not be.
His attention to detail is actually a weapon.
He has 53 shades of white in his home.
And 15 pairs of the same socks. And jocks.
And two allergen free, hair-free cats. “I love how I can see their skin drapes, stretches, sags like a canvas over a bone sculpture. Their own organic composition. That is some special catwalk fashion.”
He doesn't care for friends.
He is not into fashion either. He makes it. He has an obsession with how cloth drapes on women (addition to how skin drapes over cats).
Nothing more, nothing less.
He is about colour, a stylish, handsome, calculated and controlled flamboyance, a panache, a verve, a brio. Outfits which would be ridiculous if they were not so cool. It is a fine line.
He is direct and serious and this is reflected in the way he speaks; with a drama, like is in the theatre.
Outside fashion, his passion is for the environment. Saving it, not being in it.
Nature it too untamed. Being in actual nature things get out of place. And that can’t be the case.